Pre-Marital Financial Counseling

There are two things about which our attitudes are formed from the time we take our first breath: the first is sex, the other is money. We tend to be more comfortable talking about our sex lives than we are about our financial lives.

That is certainly the case with newlyweds. After all, who wants to dampen the fires of passion by talking about money? From the first look across a crowded room to the romance of the courtship to the planning of the wedding, the subject of money takes a back seat. But this subject is the cause of more marital woes than any other. Couples in serious relationships should broach the subject before the nuptials and should expect to revisit it often throughout their lives together.

How do you start talking about such a sensitive topic? First, don't lay all your financial cards on the table on the first date. Details of your financial life should wait until there is a firm commitment between the two of you. You don't want a slew of exes running around spouting your business. Be careful who you trust with this information.

Before you get to the serious stage, there are clues to how your beloved will handle money. Start your investigation by looking at his/her family. There you will discover your partner's attitudes about money. Ask your beloved about his first job. Did his family start him early learning to earn his own money, or did Daddy fund his every desire? Were allowances part of the family tradition? Were assigned chores part of the family routine?

Your beloved's family formed him, so this is the starting place, but also pay attention to his current habits. Most importantly, does he habitually live within his means, or does he habitually take on debt? Some early observations may save you heartache later.

If you get past the stage of courtship and are ready for a serious commitment, it's time to flesh out some details. Each of you should order a detailed credit history. Schedule a date, and swap them over dinner. Plan to spend the evening poring over these and asking questions. Know what you're getting into when you say "I do." You may have to delay the nuptials until your special someone cleans up his act.

As you're planning the wedding, talk about bank accounts and bill paying responsibility. Will you keep separate accounts, or will everything be managed together? Many couples prefer separate accounts, so that they have some money of their own to spend. Regardless, there should be clear lines about bill paying. One person may take care of all the bill paying, or you may split bills.

Next, talk about investing. Even if you're just starting out, you'll probably have a 401(k). Each spouse should contribute the same percentage to retirement. One person may be better at understanding the investment choices. Let that person do the research and make the fund selections.

In the last weeks before the big day, sit down and set common goals. Having common goals means you are not pulling against each other, but you are working together to build a life. Talk about a timeline for any children you want to have. Boy, are they expensive!

Discuss limits on spending. Give each other the freedom to buy what you need but have a magic number above which you schedule a powwow. One partner should not buy an expensive item without discussing it with the other. Only when both are in agreement should the purchase be made. Don't do the "You bought a four wheeler, so I get to buy designer shoes." That's a no-win game.

Marriage is about compromise and self-sacrifice. Understand that as you go through the years, your goals will change. Your incomes will change. Always be sensitive to the other person's needs and esires. Control of the money should be shared and should not rest with the partner making more money.

Finally, it's your big day. Time to recite your vows. Consider adding a few lines to the "for better or worse." Vow to schedule monthly financial meetings. Promise to disclose all your assets and liabilities. Pledge to live within your means, whatever those may be. Follow these guidelines, and money will never come between you and your spouse.

Nancy Lottridge Anderson, Ph.D., CFA, is President of New Perspectives, Inc., in Ridgeland, 601-991-3158.  She is also an Assistant Professor of Finance at Mississippi College. Her e-mail address is nanderson@newper.com, and her website is www.newper.com.